Relationships and The Aspie

by Ken Kellam

Rachel & Ken

People on the spectrum struggle to understand the meaning of non-verbal social cues. Unfortunately, this can be very hazardous when it comes to inter-personal relationships, especially those of a romantic nature. I used to think I had a chance at a relationship with someone as long as they didn't flat-out reject me. What I failed to understand was the non-verbal cues, i.e. not returning phone calls, not being receptive to conversation. But while these things may not come easy to the Aspie (someone with Asperger's Syndrome), they can certainly be taught.

Another area Aspies may struggle with is in handling rejection. It used to be whenever a person rejected me, I thought it was all about me and I had said or done something to put off the other person. With counseling I came to realize that it wasn't all in my control. I also came to realize that sometimes when things don’t work out there’s no one to blame. Neither party did anything wrong; it just didn't work out.

Aspies tend to see everything in black and while, which can cause problems given the intangible and ever-changing nature of relationships. For example, two plus two will always be four, and pi will always equal 3.14. But relationships aren't nearly so set in concrete. They are always changing, sometimes daily. But the Aspie may be reacting to how the relationship was before, or at least how he thought it was before, or how he thinks it should be, instead of responding to how it is in the here and now. This can obviously include realizing when the relationship has run its course.

How can the Aspie overcome this? With coaching and counseling. If he can be taught to look at things from the other person’s perspective, he might be able to see things more clearly. But he also needs to be taught the different ways a situation can be perceived. Otherwise, he might not be able to understand that everyone doesn't think the same way he does.

                                                                                                                                      
Ken Kellam III was diagnosed with Asperger's in his late 30's. He recently celebrated his 10th anniversary at ATC, where he works as Administrative Assistant to Dr. Carolyn Garver. He has been married for two years, and his wife also works at ATC as a Teaching Assistant.